The Challenge of High Expectations (Princess and the Pea)
Vernon Castle had endured weeks of its mistress sniping about the upstart de Coursey girl after the family fortune. It was never the family name, or even the young man himself who was deemed too valuable to lose; no, always it was the (dwindling) fortune that must be preserved. Any of the household who might have wondered at the hypocrisy of a climbing lady-by-marriage denouncing the machinations of a well-bred gentlewoman from a family of means had long since been dismissed from service; only the survivors were left to hear no evil, nor see it.
Performing it in service to Lady Susan, however, was only to be expected by these hardened souls.
"You think this'll scare the girl off?" one maid asked another as they fitted a guest room with the worst bedding to be found.
"I hope not all at once," her companion replied breezily. "I've five pennies bet she'll last till next Tuesday."
Bluff (Rumpelstiltskin)
It was natural for the men to comment on the female contingent of the Mainwaring house party when separating after dinner. "She performs very well," was Mr. Smith's enigmatic answer to Sir James Martin's peons in favour of Lady Susan, causing him no little consternation.
"Truly? But I have not heard her play or sing yet."
"There are other abilities women may cultivate."
Martin considered, but soon gave up the riddle. "At any rate, I have heard enough of Miss Vernon to believe she is her mother's daughter in every respect. A glass to the loveliest, most talented of girls!"
Mr. Smith politely raised his own, but demurred from saying more than, "If she is of the same constitution, I surrender all the joy of meeting to yourself."
Sister (Thumbelina)
"Well, Maria, I hope you are grateful to your brother, for having so much company on your account," Mrs. Mainwaring said in some agitation after supper. Maria felt certain she knew which guest had caused this display of temper; it was likely the same one making her miserable as well.
"I am certain he does not do it for my sake alone," she replied, just as the handsome widow approached with her usual admirers.
"Why, Miss Mainwaring, one would supposed you a very plain sort of creature, to be stuck in a corner by the old married ladies. I wonder you can support it! But perhaps it is a place you are delighted with from familiarity."
Sir James Martin laughed. Her brother actually smiled. His wife seethed. Maria could only grieve in silence, fearful of further exposure, and wish for attention that had nothing to do with Lady Susan Vernon.
'Ware Mistletoe, a Parasite (Rapunzel)
"It is a very fine school, Frederica, with masters on all subjects becoming a young lady. You will make many a fine connection there."
Her mother might as well have said, "It is a very good prison, with jailers tutored in all the latest tortures, and many other nobles entombed with you." To lose her father after years of his patient, kind instruction was difficult enough. But to be banished from anyone she knew or cared for was a circumstance so terrifying Frederica almost wished her mother would scold her again for refusing to marry. She was used to maternal censure; tenderness was a singular, and thus far troubling, experience.
"But what if I should need you?" she asked, fingering her long girlish braids, as always put to shame by the other's savoir faire: like a gangly vine clinging to the lush Lady Susan.
Her mother shrugged, already directing the maids to pack their trunks. "You know your uncle's address I hope: a letter will be sure to reach me there. He is certainly rich enough to frank them."
Enclosed (Sleeping Beauty)
Having run out of money, and spent too much of her hostess's forbearance, Lady Susan Vernon found herself surrendering to the seclusion of a retiring country village. As if that prospect were not intolerable enough, she must come to a place she had scorned to acknowledge but a year before: Churchhill, the home of her younger brother by marriage (an amiable but simple man) and his wife (for whom none of those descriptors applied).
Here there were no entertainments and little company, just hills and trees and overgrown shrubbery to hide them away from everything and anyone. Certainly there were children everywhere one turned, but a little boy on her knee was a pitiful conquest for a true coquette to sigh over.
"My brother will soon be with us," Mrs. Vernon announced happily over breakfast to her husband, which at least broke the soporific monotony of the weather as a topic of conversation.
On learning that this brother was young, handsome, and wealthy, Lady Susan was as happy to receive the news. A new fly venturing into their web might provide some amusement.
Emblazed Garnet (Toads and Diamonds)
Initially the Vernons left their newest guest entirely to her mother. "By all reports Frederica sounds a perverse girl," was his wife's remark. When Mr. Vernon gently complimented his niece's conduct on the journey to Churchill, she softened enough to add, "It would not be her fault, given her upbringing,"
Later they were only at odds in degree of their praise for the girl. "Frederica appears to possess a loving spirit and good understanding," he commented during a private conversation, to which she answered warmly:
"Despite her neglect! How I repent believing Lady Susan about anything: she is belied by every gem of sense her daughter utters."
"Her only flaw might be an occasional melancholy," was his tactful reply.
"Understandable, given her only maternal attention is scorn."
Tormenting Creature (Puss in Boots)
It began with conversation. Lady Susan was curious about the grounds, and Reginald De Courcy happy to engage his sister's clever guest. Perhaps, had there been hares about in December, he would have been otherwise employed.
When Reginald first received word delaying their usual meeting, he was barley aware of receiving the note, responding in kind, or imitating this strategy on other occasions. After they quarrelled over Frederica, Reginald was halfway through an angry epistle before realizing he could allow no one—even his man—to know of it.
He had never, in his entire life, had cause to conceal his name or letters. And how easily he was led to even more subterfuge: slipping papers up a sleeve, prevaricating when his family inquired after his travels, and most dangerously of all: lying to himself as to the reason for his constant unease when parted from the authoress of his passion.
Warm Caramel's Foam (Hansel and Gretel)
Lady Susan monopolized the meal's discourse, spreading praise of London over every other topic. It made Catherine Vernon hot to observe how coolly her brother's affections were toyed with or Frederica's abilities dismissed, mockery aimed at lover and daughter alike.
Over desert her ladyship announced said girl would join her in town. "I trust we will not want for attractive company!"
Catherine's smile lacquered her firm tone. "As you will have so much, you can not deny us the pleasure of keeping Frederica here."
It was satisfying to baulk cruelty, if only by half; better to have done with Lady Susan entirely.
Charity Thinketh no Evil (Six Swans)
Mrs. Alicia Johnson never stirred, provided the weather was ill, her husband abed, or her dressmaker engaged. So when the new gown Mr. Johnson did not realize was paid out of the household accounts was ready, she left at once.
Upon her return she found everything in disarray.
First that shrew Mrs. Mainwaring had wormed her way in to speak to her guardian. Worse, Mr. De Courcy was also present, absorbing enough villainous truths to sink even a woman of Susan's beauty.
The young man possessed enough good breeding to listen when Alicia spoke. "You can not trust a single thing she says, always jealous of any attention paid her husband. Everyone knew it was a bad match; even Mr. Johnson, who never allowed her in this house after."
Susan's letters had not done De Courcy justice: his pained expression might have been crafted by a master. "Until now, when her need—and mine—was critical."
The Wages of Sin (Snow White)
Little Catherine and Frederic Vernon were impatient to celebrate the nuptials of their beloved uncle and cousin, however woefully it began for them: scrubbed to a ruby sheen, pressed into new stiff clothes, and forced to sit an interminable length of time under the stern gaze of their nursemaid. Happily, their release from church resulted in feasting to their heart's content, then escaping supervision long enough to spy on the other guests.
"It is her, see, Aunt Vernon is right there!" Frederic pointed at the fine lady.
"But she is Aunt Martin now," Catherine corrected. "That is our new uncle with her, Sir James."
They observed this odd couple with open wonder, rather like a faded old painting, in stark contrast to the wonderful glow cast by their newlywed counterpart.
"Cook said she hoped Aunt Martin choked on her own spite," the boy pronounced, and was immediately scolded by his sister.
"That is nonsense! Even Papa says Lady Susan is always pleased with herself. See, she is laughing. But," she admitted with equal boldness, and the superiority of a year's greater understanding, "I am sure she can not like that our cousin got to wear our grandmother's jewels today, because her's are not as big."
Neither was old enough to understand that however many admired the lady's sangfroid in the face of her daughter's marriage, few spoke to her, and none for any duration. But the children were agreed that she could not be altogether happy. After all, despite the ample amount of cake, who could stand to endure a wedding twice?
If you've never read this early Jane Austen novel, I highly recommend the excellent audiobook available for download at Librivox. The different readers all fit their roles very well, and really bring out the wicked humor of the letters. After that, be sure to check out the 2016 film adaptation, possibly the funniest Austen movie ever made.
