And the Winner Is

Tomorrow the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will take to the red carpet for its 86th Awards Ceremony, otherwise known as the Oscars. I have seen precious few of the nominees. In fact, glancing at the website, the only potential winner I've actually viewed are Despicable Me 2, Star Trek Into Darkness, and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. The truth is I don't go to the movies that often, and my time is normally taken up by rehearsals or theatre shows, so even my "to watch" list of movies out for rental is very long.

Since I've not seen any of the Best Picture nominees, I can't judge between them based on their actual worth. So, instead, I'm going to weigh these films against the only standard I have: their advertising.

Here are the movie posters of the nominees:

If I knew nothing about these films whatsoever, here's what I'd say each were about based on their posters:

• Twelve Years a Slave: the title alone gives it away, and the picture of a man of color running in historic garb clenches the deal. The minimalist design and nice script feels indie, but the quality of the print is A-grade. It's different all the way around, so all bets are off when it comes to narrative style. My summary: "Follow this runaway slave's journey into the darkest era of our nation's past."
• American Hustle: stars staring seriously into the camera, stars with names front and center in a bright color, stars in sexy outfits; it looks like a classic Hollywood Important Film, one with a dash of issues and a wink at the audience (and like as not already an episode in an HBO series). There will be at least one sex scene (explicit or implied) for each of the main characters, and someone on the front poster will die violently. My summary: "This monied family's dysfunction is just a symptom of the real villain: [fill-in-the-blank-with-your-favorite-social-issue]."
• Captain Phillips: it looks like someone wanted to get a taste of the Argo magic. The "Bourne" reference and the two guys with a gun climbing something (a tower?) says thriller, which is humanized by Tom Hanks playing a decent American empathy figure and given relevance by the infamous "based on a true story" reminder. My summary: "One man must overcome every obstacle to defeat his country's enemies."
• Dallas Buyers Club: when did My Name is Earl get a movie deal? The light pastels tell me it's a comedy, but heartfelt instead of crude. The car and cityscape suggest simpler times, while the man is obviously a latter day hero. My summary: "Darrell only knew three things: how to love, how to live, and how to let be."
• Gravity: with Sandra Bullock and George Clooney both in the film you'd think it'd be a romcom, but the lettering, dark colors, and intense stare say otherwise. The woman's in trouble: it looks like someones tied a plastic bag around her face. Is she upside down (is that what the title means)? The tag "Don't Let Go" suggests tension, angst, a connection being strained. My summary: "When the lead detective's wife becomes a serial killer's next victim, it's not just a case: it's personal."
• Her: lowercase title, extreme amount of red, a sultry gaze and mustache; it's got to be a romance. But where's the girl? A closer look reveals several contenders amongst the costars. The guy looks off the beaten tracks, but then again, it is Joaquin Phoenix. My summary: "The dreamer, the pixie, the bombshell, the bad girl: one guy's got four nights to get lucky."
• Nebraska: the black, stark look with a nebulous silhouette is pure indie chic. Neither the title nor the leads give any clues. I feel a vague horror vibe, maybe something with too abstract a plot for most audiences. My summary: "All the terror and wonder of the world are possible in just one, frail moment: which will he chose?"
• Philomena: wow, that's a lot of yellow, and those two definitely look like they'll hook up by the end of the film. But it's a film festival darling, based on a true story, and the leads are older, so the romance is less hormonal and more ironic. I predict each will realize some simple yet deep meaning about life before the credits roll. My summary: "When a childhood friend asks this widower for help, neither of them realized quite what the other one had in mind."
• The Wolf of Wall Street: the contrast between Mr. DiCaprio's calm persona against frat party hijinks implies satire, which is all but confirmed by Mr. Scorsese's name above the title. Sex, drugs, booze, and the corruption of capitalist America will all weigh against the lead's soul with rapid fire wit. My summary: "Everyone thought they knew how the game was played, but Billy believed to win, sometimes you had to change the rules."

Here's what I'd award these posters based on that experiment:

• Best Mood Evoker: Captain Phillips, for selling realistic danger in a single image.
  Alternate Worst: Philomena, for pushing the romcom.
• Best Emotional Hook: Gravity, for making my heart pound with so little to see.
  Alternate Worst: Nebraska, for doing nothing.
• Best Use of Color: Dallas Buyers Club, for using blue in an upbeat way.
  Alternate Worst: Her, for splashing red without thought or purpose.
• Best Originality: 12 Years a Slave, for the font, design, and overall different quality.
  Alternate Worst: American Hustle, for splashing stars in space without context.
• Best Evidence an Actor is Still Alive: Her, for (who else?) Joaquin Phoenix. Alternate Worst: The Wolf of Wall Street, for proving its another bid to get Leo an Oscar.

What will the actual Academy award these films? I'll be watching tomorrow to find out. You can check out my reactions by following me on Twitter.

Edited 2/13/2015: removed Oscar logo image.